Tuesday, March 4, 2014

cerita-cerita yang tidak pernah selesai

Laptop Lenovo 3000 N100 yang sudah saya pakai selama enam tahun sejak awal kuliah, akhirnya resmi meninggal dua minggu lalu. Menurut pihak service center, internal receiver usb (atau apalah itu) yang ada di motherboardnya rusak. Enam bulan saya menunggu mereka mencarikan spare part untuk mengganti bagian yang rusak itu. Sejak awal Agustus tahun lalu, si Lenovo teronggok di salah satu ruang di service center itu, mungkin berdebu, yang pasti tidak tersentuh. Dua minggu lalu, akhirnya mereka mengabari saya bahwa si Lenovo tidak bisa diselamatkan lagi. Pabrik sudah tidak memproduksi spare part yang rusak itu. Lenovo hanya tinggal besi berat tanpa guna. Yang tersisa darinya hanya data dari internal harddisk yang untungnya masih selamat. 

Data yang saya cari pertama-tama begitu internal harddisk si Lenovo kembali ke genggaman yaitu file ISO konser Tokyo Jihen dan puluhan mp4 boyben Korea Selatan. Ahaha, iya. Ada keringat, tawa, delusi, dan giga-an bandwidth yang habis terendap di file-file tersebut. 

Baru malam ini saya ingat punya bagian lain yang lumayan penting di harddisk itu. Tiga tahun belakang ini sudah jarang sekali dibuka. Dia sub-folder di tumpukan file-file kebutuhan belajar selama SMA dan kuliah. Namanya cerpen. Isinya sekitar tiga puluh file. Sebagian kecil cerpen yang pernah saya muat disini, sebagian besar sisanya adalah cerita-cerita yang tidak pernah selesai: cerpen setengah jadi, dua puluhan halaman prolog novel, dan ending yang terlalu cepat ditulis (prolog dan bodynya belum selesai, endingnya sudah jadi. haduh). Beberapa masih belum berhasil saya buka, lupa password. Klasik. Hampir semua bikin saya nyeri bacanya. Nulis kok dulu gitu-gitu amat ya, malu rasanya. 

Meskipun memalukan, saya yang dulu masih lebih baik daripada saya yang hampir tidak pernah nulis apa-apa tiga tahun belakangan ini. Ide tinggal usang di otak. Kalimat-kalimat tersangkut di tumblr dan twitter, tanpa kerangka, minim arti. Dulu, meskipun remeh dan picisan, saya tahu mau menulis apa. Meski terbata-bata, tapi setidaknya ia sedikit tersampaikan di atas kertas. Meski seringnya tidak pernah selesai. Sekarang, mau menulis apa saja saya tidak tahu. Semua sepertinya pernah dan sudah selesai diceritakan. Mengulang yang sudah ada terasa sia-sia. Parahnya lagi, saya masih terbata-bata. Dan memulai kembali masih menjadi bagian tersulit dari menyelesaikan sesuatu. Huuh, mari tarik nafas dan buang nafas saja.

Ini, ada puisi yang saya termukan di salah satu file kumpulan puisi saya sejak SMA. Untung sekali saya masih ingat passwordnya, meskipun ngejelimet, tidak ada arti, dan beda kata untuk level baca saja dan bisa modifikasi. Dibuat pertengahan 2007, semacam kegamangan ala anak yang baru lulus SMA. Bingung mau kemana, takut ditinggal dan dilupakan, khawatir gagal dan sebagainya itu. Sekarang sudah 2014, dan gamang itu masih benar-benar ada. 


fragmen P-P

Ada kala rasa datang tanpa permisi
Lalu pergi tanpa menutup pintu
Engsel terbuka bergesek perlahan, namun tak sadar apakah ada yang benar pergi

Kemudian ia datang, kemudian ia pergi
Ia datang, dan pergi lagi

Tak ada berita angin atau celotehan burung
Hanya tanya dan resah yang tersisa
Apakah akan kembali, lagi?

Dan dinding putih mulai mendingin,
Kelambu abu mulai berjuntai di atas ranjang,
Selimut telah tergelar,
Capai mulai menjalar

Lelah menunggu dan berharap
Dalam tiap nafas yang kemudian hanya timbul marah dan kecewa
Langkah-langkah mulai menjauh

ditulis pada 9:08 pm, 270807.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

a read

Sometimes people read a story to experience event(s) they can not afford. Some other time, it's merely because they bored.

I falls for the latter category, most of the time. So it's only ordinary for me to distance myself from what i've read. I mostly do not invest my feelings toward the story. Not that i lack imagination of course. I do fine with building the world in my head based on any fiction and have the characters play their roles in there. It's just that i think that any emotions felt by the character shall only affect that certain character in my imagination. It should have no effect in what i feel in real life whatsoever. Happiness, content, remorse, regrets, guilt: those are part of the story's, not mine to have at the moment.

Nevertheless, i still get bugged when i came across any story that hits home. Too close for comfort, too sensitive to touch. The familiarity might be a few, can be sub-plot or a general idea running in the earliest fragment of the story only. Still, if it hits that memory i think has long gone before, i shudders. It feels like reading a stranger rephrasing my entire personal experience into a new scenario. Events and details might be slightly, even distinctly different, yet it carries the same atmosphere. Isn't it terrifying? Having to read how you felt at those long past moment all over again.

And it didn't help either that recently i've been reading nothing but slice of life fanfiction.
I keep reading it anyway though. Because, yep, I am just another person trying to get by her mundane life.

Monday, February 3, 2014

on memories

“No one can save anyone from their memories.” 
- Kim Jongin on Anterograde Tomorrow (written by changdictator, http://changdictator.livejournal.com/, part two: invisible walls, fifth fragment).
and yes, if you're wondering, it IS a fanfiction on exo.  i also quote this line on my journal. from books and books i've read or is reading, why do i always choose to quote a line (or two) from fanfiction? I could try to effortlessly quote Neil Gaiman or Ayu Utami, y'know. There's believably more dignity in that.  

Sunday, November 17, 2013


... hening.


Ms. A: Kedengeran gak?
Mr. B: Apa?
Ms. A: Itu bunyi hati aku jatuh berserakan...

------- karena minggu depan Reply 1994 gak tayang. ;______;

it is possible to feel devastated after watching k-drama: a depiction on Cruel City

Yes, it is.

Let me tell you the general perception about k-drama: it contains all possible cliche you could list. Cancer, amnesia, separated blood-sister/brother, the lost child who was apparently a chaebol, popular rich guy fell for spunky cheery poor girl, the step mother who could angry-stared at you for one minute without blinking, the sweet gentle second man lead who never get pick at the end, the overly-abused female antagonist who love to watch our heroine suffer, and so on. You could find at least one, the combination of more or luckily all above-mentioned sub-plot in any hyped k-drama.

Then there's one that break all the norm and normality like Cruel City (also known as Heartless City / Undercover / --, nope, not gonna put the hangul title here, don't even bother). Never heard of this drama before? Well i wouldn't expect any better. It was an under-publicity drama aired on cable tv, jTBC which only got average rating below 1%. Nevertheless, do not put your trust in rating, as daehanminguk citizens sometimes let you down to make even drama like The Heirs got > 17% rating. It must be the perks of having Kim Woobin spidery long legs in it, i bet.

It's pretty hard to sums up what this drama is all about, but here's what DramaWiki says:
A drama revolves around the struggle between undercover agents and members of an infamous drug ring, and the love interests of the three main characters that emerge in the process.
... which only sums up 1/10 of the entire story. Ha. 

I didn't remember watching any noir k-drama before and i only got Iris 2 on action drama league as a comparison, not to mention that drama was plain boring as your math teacher preach, it was irrelevant in any level. So Cruel City basically was a first. It has what you expected from a good memorable drama: great plot, solid cast which actually can act, and decent visual for a noir/action drama. The plot was what amazed me big time, it was so complicated and carefully crafted, being so revealing and brutally fast in the first few episodes. As an action drama, i thought they were going to reveal the twist one by one, starting it with as few background as possible. By being so revealing at first, i was honestly worried how they're going to drop the twist remembering they already told almost everything to build up foundation for the entire drama in that first few episodes. However, BAM... they just dropped it when you least expected. And you got mindfuck for the rest of the day.

The plot would be pretty much pointless if it didn't get supported by fitted characters. And boy was i satisfied. I can only list several (less than five) k-dramas which equipped by likable characters, even for the minor one. And Cruel City is easily one of those. I found myself rooting for almost all character, like each one of them must have a reason and a background story for their every action, even the bad one. It was a result of well built relationship between each character, i guess. For starter, we got the conflicted antihero. Shi Hyun, who notoriously known as Doctor's Son in the drug circle, was a part of a dysfunctional family consisted of Lee Jin Sook (another drug dealer), Soo (Shi Hyun right hand), Moon Dok Bae (another high-rank drug dealer) and Min Hong Ki (a Director in police force). Well these fivr put the on on dysfunctional

Shi Hyun. Oh yes Jung Shi Hyun was as far as an antihero you could ever get from k-drama. He's cold, cruel, full of calculation, and ready to do almost everything to get what he want. And yes, yes; he is our protagonist.

for your reference, he wore three piece suit for 80% of the drama. this man is a sin in a suit.
I found myself enjoying our antihero sinking deeper in his moral battle. You see, our antihero has a trait, a condition which make him so conflicted about things, about himself moreover. He went back and forth between clinging to his value and goals or letting himself drown by the darkness he posses. He did hit rock bottom at the end (by crossing the line and killing whom he should not). And he never appear more human for the entire series than he was at that time. Need i say that Jung Kyung Ho's prominent acting made Shi Hyun came alive. Man he deserved an award for that performance.

As i said before, the relationship between each characters played a big part in the plot progression. The series did the right thing by revealing the past bit by bit, making it relevant for every stage of the plot. It will need another long essay about how solid Jin Sook, Safari Moon (Dok Bae) and Soo were as supporting characters, but i'm not gonna write that. Each one of them were basically the reason for Shi Hyun's every action. Well there's also Min Hong Ki and Soo Min, but i despised Min Hong Ki with a passion and Soo Min was simply weak as a female lead. The highlight would be Safari samchun and Jin Sook noonim tho. Choi Moo Sung played a great great game as Safari samchun, not to mention the nonchalant attitude and hard-ass accent. And it's not easy to find female character as strong and badass as Jin Sook noonim. Jin Sook easily outshine Soo Min (who's supposed to be a female lead, mind you), but what's another k-drama without love line. Granted Shi Hyun and Soo Min showed solid chemistry, short in proportion but as hard and messy as they took the spotlight. But other than making our antihero enjoy the pleasure once in a while and become weak sometimes, she did almost... nothing. Soo Min simply too weak a character to take the cake as female lead. 

And why did i feel devastated after watching it, you said? Well it was the ending. Yes, it was always the ending. It's an open one actually, even there's an alternate ending going around the internet. But it wasn't the fact that Shi Hyun was (or could be) die in the end. Have you ever feel so invested in story, built a platonic relation in your mind with some certain characters, secretly praying the scriptwriter would give him/her more happy moments because he/she deserved at least that much, but you silently admit that the ending will go wrong that way, yet you just couldn't help it? Well, that's how, more or less. The notion that the ending is perfectly fine for the story, but you couldn't help to feel sorry for the antihero, you left devastated that way. Yeah, it's heart-wrecking. Cruel City was one heart-wrecking drama, better prepare yourself before watching. 

Sunday, September 22, 2013

long-ass rant on White Christmas

In order to perfected my daily routine as an unemployed, i've been doing marathon on k-drama. Within one and a half month i manage to finished School 2013, Shut Up Flower Boy Band, I Hear Your Voice, Adolescence Medley, rewatched Reply 1997 and Sassy Girl Chunyang, took a sneak-peek on 49 Days (the first two episode bored me to eternity, i stopped watching), and frenzying over White Christmas. So here i am. About to present you lovely reader (gosh i hope there's still occasional reader to this abandoned blog) the long-ass rant on White Christmas. Why White Christmas over that long list? Because it was the one that caught me off-guard. And for all the reason that you will find hereinafter.

oh yea. this might contain spoiler. don’t say i did not warn you beforehand ^_~.

see the poster already artistic as fcuk. set the bar higher, shall we.

First, I plead guilty for all the wrong reasons that drove me to watch this series. I mean, you can’t easily refuse a project where Sung Joon, Woo Bin, and Young Kwang were in it together, right? Right.

On one fine holiday where all the students were given the once in a year opportunity to come home, free from all assignment and pressure from studying to get into the top tier university, 8 students decided to stay at the school for a reason. Little did they know, they were in together to answer a question which will surround the entire series:
are monsters born or created?
The very question first subtly brought by Choi Chi Hoon (Bang Sung Joon), a born genius hotty student who topped the number one spot in Susin High, (almost) all time. Chi Hoon and other 6 students, Park Moo Yul (Baek Sung Hyun), Yang Kang Mo (Kwak Jung Wook), Jo Young Jae (Kim Young Kwang), Yoon Eun Su (Esom), Lee Jae Kyu (Hong Jong Hyun), Yoo Yoon Su (Lee Soo Hyuk), each received an anonymous letter that say there will be a death on the 8th day. Later, Kang Mi Reu (Kim fcuking Woo Bin) will be introduced as the eighth student who stay at the school premises for a very different reason.

Susin High itself was a prestigious high school to which the 1% of geniuses from all around the country enrolled. It was located in the mountain area, equipped with 24/7 dormitory, isolated from the frenetic city life, made it a perfect place to breed studious robot who will lead the society in later years. Imagine students who used almost all their time studying in pressure, not to mention the competition. Add past circumstances and other issue, here we have potential characters equipped with each sickness ready to be explored (and might be exploded).

The plot first lead our characters to find the one who distributed the letter. However, things will take turn for the worst when there’s a murder took place. Here’s where the fun started. The notion itself will bring the basic human trait to the surface: how to survive life. The dark part of relationship began to start, trust and betrayal. Even to survive will be tricky, given that they did not get along in the first place, moreover the fact that one of them might be the killer. No, they did not deliver us the Battle Royale. The villain was an experienced psychologist. So he did what he do best: playing with the mind.

I love how in only eight episodes, the series managed to discuss each character efficiently. Yet, it still kept the pace or the development of each character, revealing their fight with their own monster bit by bit. Those with mother/father issue, the desperation for recognition, the one who can hardly care for his surrounding or even having (showing?) any emotion, the unrequited love and so on. More to the ending, the line became more visible for them. And it was their choice whether to give in to temptation and lose the battle or took the other way around.

With a plot like this, it's not just about happy or sad ending anymore. The biggest question wasn’t about the villain being die or not. At the end of the day, you cannot easily label one as monster. And that’s what the series beautifully orchestrated, that one circumstances lead to one another. That sometimes we cross the line and that’s it. The viewers will be the one to interpret which side won the battle. Or they might just equally lose to each other. Let this be your little psychology test: which side are you prone of?

White Christmas was not the series without flaw. There’s this one miss in the plot that kept bugging me. Not that it’s very huge i can’t ignore, but more to placement of the miss-plot which is nearing the ending. I understand they need those events to happen so that the end can be executed as exactly as it is. However, no matter how hard i try to dig (rather than to ignore), those events just do not connect the dot. But other than that, it’s amazing.

The conversation and narration showed you how well written the script was. And it is precisely delivered by the actor, not less, no exaggeration.
ES: What can I do to make you lose interest in me? What should I do?
YJ: Lose it. A lot more than now. Become twisted enough for a twisted boy like me to like you.
Each passage of their encounter just show how dysfunctional they were and I am in love with every bit of it.

First ten minutes, the shoots let you know that you’re in for horror thriller. I love how they took the angle: long shoot for those running scene around the building, the bird-eye for when it snows, the one-two second close up on the change of expression that gave you the hint, and etc etc.

This was one element that caught me off guard every single time through the entire series. I mean, please count how many k-drama have Alice In Chains or Velvet Underground as its soundtrack. Exactly.

e.g: they played this for a death scene. I want to shed tears so bad it hurts. Is this the k-drama that i know? They’re playing post-rock for a death scene fgs. At last, someone took it to the better path.

An angelic person made this fanmix contained of all ost from White Christmas. Try listen to it if you have time and i bet you do.

I don’t have a closing remarks to persuade you to watch this series. And yes, this has been a brochure contain of everything in the series that will flaunt it to the sky. Here, let me leave you with one encrypt. One that i know is White Christmas is not always about a happy holy holiday.
"Memories sometimes work in funny ways. Some truths ruin people. Do you still want to know the truth?"

Friday, April 26, 2013

tentang sejarah.

Sejarah dunia adalah sejarah pemerasan. Apakah tanpa pemerasan, sejarah tidak ada? Apakah tanpa kesedihan, tanpa pengkhianatan sejarah tidak akan lahir? Seolah-olah bila kita membagi sejarah maka yang kita jumpai hanya pengkhianatan. Seolah-olah dalam setiap ruang dan waktu kita hidup atasnya. Ya, betapa tragisnya. 

"Hidup adalah penderitaan", kata Buddha. Dan manusia tidak bisa bebas dari padanya. Kita hidup dan kita menerima itu sebagai suatu keharusan.

Tapi bagiku perjuangan harus tetap ada. Usaha penghapusan terhadap kedegilan, terhadap pengkhianatan, terhadap segala-gala nonhumanis. 

Memang kita sadar akan kesia-siaan itu. Kita tahu akan absurd-nya. Dan itulah hidup. Stand like a hero, and die bravely.

Aku kira dan bagiku itulah kesadaran sejarah. Sadar akan hidup dan kesia-siaan nilai-nilai. Memang hidup seperti ini tidak enak. "Happy is the people without history", kata Dawson. Dan sejarawan adalah orang yang harus mengetahui dan mengalami hidup yang lebih berat.

~ Sabtu, 16 Desember 1961. Soe Hok Gie. dari Catatan Seorang Demonstran.